NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU!!

They say survival is for the fittest and you do not know your own strength until you’re put in situations where you actually need to use it. Well now looking at the dire situation we are in as youth. When does survival mode kick in?

We have sent out SOS signals, we have called for help and the result has been little or nothing. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the truth is no one is coming to help us.

We’ve probably all watched a movie where people or a person are in a dire situation and help come in the nick of time either in the form of a superhero, a search party or even an angel. We have probably also watched a movie where the plot entails a person or people in a precarious situation, rescuing themselves from hopeless situations.

The truth is as Zambian youth we all know the problems our country faces, we have become experts at pointing out wrongs. Many of us probably even have great or amazing ideas of the best solutions. Sadly however very few of us are actively attempting to do anything practical about solving our issues or implementing solutions.

A few thoughts I’d like you to consider,

  • Who do you think is coming to save you from the mess your country is in?
  • Who do you want to bring about the change you would like to see?
  • Whose responsibility is it to shape the Zambia as we would all want it to be?   

If your answer those questions had anything to do with the IMF or the government or even a certain desired political candidate or party. Sorry to break it to you that the answer is YOU, the person you see when you look in the mirror has a purpose they need to fulfill to make things better. Most of the people that come in the name of offering external help do not  have our best interests at heart. You may not be able to change everything. You may not even be able to do big things. But right where you are, with whatever you have. Be the difference and make the change.

Its time to rise up and assume responsibility of dealing with the issues we are seeing in our country today.

It’s time to kick onto survival mode, no one will ever care for your burdens as much as you do.

 

The Kickback Culture May Knock Us Out

20190616_185017_0000.pngThe kick back culture or how it may be referred to locally as ‘Nichekeleko’ is ruining our country. Services and Jobs are not always provided or requested for by the best or the most competent but rather from those that are willing to share part of their pay with those people who are influential in ensuring they award them the contracts or opportunities. Granted every now and then the most competent may be willing or may even have to give kickbacks in order to maintain good ties, but is this really the business culture we would like to build a legacy on?

Mediocrity is something we let to to come stay in our Zambian society, we have given it permanent residence in our lives, allowed to be a tenant in our standards and have warmly embraced the chilling consequences of.

This dire repercussion of the kickback culture is seen in almost every sector of our economy, the government sector, the creative industry, the corporate pretty much every industry has it in one way, shape or form. They as a result either do not grow or suffer from inefficiency because they are not looking to have the best or the most durable products and/or services and as the adage goes ‘cheap is expensive’
From a more political aspect we usher in not the most servant hearted leaders, not the most wise or the most innovative or brilliant minds to help tackle our problems but the ones that is likely to ensure you a piece of the pie once they are in office. The leader that enticed you with pecuniary advantage not the one with the most sustainable solutions to your immediate needs.
The truth is times are hard , the economy is unfavourable for many and if you don’t do it someone else will . No one wants to live a hard knock life. Is your integrity a price worthy of it? Is the overall generational damage worth it?? What is the best way to deal with this, lets start a solution oriented conversation and fight the negative aspects of the kickback culture.

 

26 Things I learned at 26

I’m in the dying days of Chapter 26 and I’m looking back on where it started. It has been turbulent to say the least but it has also been very rewarding and very fulfilling. I’ve grown, I lost, I’ve lived, I’ve healed but I’ve also broken in places I’m now trying to heal from. I’ve gotten to know myself a whole lot better. It’s been…. Well what we typically call Life.

In summation of this new chapter and while I prepare adequately for the new one, here is a list of things I’ve learned.

  1. How to really love myself and give me the type of love I want and I need.
  2. How to make Chikanda.
  3. How to cook Kalembula
  4. That you do not own the person you love and sometimes we place uncommunincated expectations.
  5. How to be healthier and to manage my weight.
  6. That I may not like avocado but my skin and my hair really do.
  7. That even the people who hold most dear won’t clap for you when you win when things aren’t going as well for them and they may even secretly wish you ill. But that’s ok.
  8. What politics really is and how it is done here in Zambia.
  9. I learned about the beauty in letting things die and using the dead things as compost to enrich the new life growing.
  10. I learned how to make macaroons (almost perfectly)
  11. Journaling is a need for me.
  12. I learned that in addition to being. Sapiosexual. Men who have good character, Godly traits and are really level headed are irresistibly attractive to me.
  13. To make room in my life for the things I want or desire.
  14. I learned to come to the table with my strengths and the areas and excell in. To lay them down with pride in myself. To know that me taking pride in myself and abilities will be offensive to many. But as long as it is a good healthy pride coming from a place of confidence and security rather than arrogance and insecurity. I will be just fine.
  15. That when people have power they will do things ‘because they can’ (paraphrased from Naomi Alderman)
  16. This one is a little eyebrow raising ……. I learned how to draw my eyebrows  LOL
  17. How to manage my weight by first of all managing my thoughts and mental state of mind.
  18. To actively start pursuing and exploring my passions.
  19. To look in the closet for the skeletons of people that are constantly accusing you know in your hearts of hearts you are innocent.
  20. I am the Analyst personality type.
  21. When there is disession and chaos it is essential to turn your focus on the one who stands to benefit the most from existence and if my goal is to end it that is my starting point.
  22. How therapeutic and essential dancing is in my life.
  23. To fight the real enemy of my life(The devil) more than I fight anything else.
  24. How in almost anything you do… You need a plan on how you will manage the male ego if it is present.
  25. How to look out for toxic femininity in myself and in others and how to manage it.
  26. To never again doubt my intuition.

 

Chapter 26 has been quite the journey. I am officially toasting to it and eagerly awaiting the next chapter.

A time for new shoes

We always knew we needed to go up a shoe size when we were growing up because our current shoe size started to hurt. It was no longer comfortable. Because we were trying to ram a foot into a shoe that can no longer contain its size. It’s like trying to put liquid content from a bigger to a smaller jar. The contents will overflow because they cannot be contained and will be wasted. It’s the same things with our lives and the things God wants to use us for. It will require growth, letting go, moving forward, shifting, changing,evolving, quiting certain habits, losing some people, releasing your pride etc
‘The writing on the wall’ that you have to read and act on is spelled out differently for everyone.
The bigger picture is varied in every case.
All I know is I’m growing a shoe size and no matter how lovely the other shoes in my current collection are, I can no longer fit in them.
The beginning of the year begun with the epiphany that just like the date would not read 2017 anymore as badly as I wanted it to. I couldn’t continue a friendship with a dear one because an incident I had with the person close to the year’s end taught me we were not on the same page and this relationship was not the same dimensions of when it first begun. I was on course till we hang out again a few months into the year fast forward I’m back in the same place cutting them off because like expired food,all it’s been is toxic to us both. As I reflected where I had stumbled it’s because my new shoes hurt too and before I could break into them so they could be comfortable, I went back to the familiarity of my old shoes. That was a pain I knew, I knew what to wear them on. But because I had grown even more all they did was bruise my feet and get spoilt.
A note from me to you don’t stop wearing your shoes because they hurt. Wear them down till they are comfortable for you.

It might be time to get that new pair of shoes because none of the ones you own are suitable or durable enough for the new terrain which you must now walk on.

Whatever the case,allow yourself to Bloom, to grow and to evolve.

Embrace your new shoes and the new territory you’re exploring in them.♥️

Gender inequality in a Christian Nation.. 

We are blessed to live in a country that has taken a stand and declared itself a Christian nation because lets face it the peace and tranquility we enjoy in this country is just God given.

A Christian simply defined is one who follows the example of Christ and strives to be more like him. You don’t need me to say that despite Zambia being a Christian nation the majority do not live their lives abiding by Christian values, the evidence is every you look. Many may be religious but how many of us aim to live a life that is pleasing to God. It is evident with our political scene,our culture, our families, our government,  our neighbours, our church leaders and ourselves that christian principles are not being properly applied. One area it is extremely prevalent in,is the gender inequality.

Jesus from inference in the scriptures believed in ending gender inequality. One area our society is unequal on a gender basis is when it comes to our women and their involvement in adultery. Right from the beginning of the fall of man women were cursed to be right under the dominion of man  ‘; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee’(Genesis 3:16 KJV) which is a contrast to by his side as an equal. Which we can infer from the fact that God used Adams rib to create Eve symbolising they should be side by side.

One of the most significant things Jesus came to do was to save man from the separation from God which came as a direct consequence of the fall of man. Any man or woman who is anew in Christ is not subject to the curses man has been subject since Adam and Eve. Why then do men still oppress women? Born again Christian men.

One of my favourite bible passages is the story of how Jesus saved the Adulteress woman from being stoned by the crowd pursuing her. This portion of scripture is potent with lessons. Firstly there is no mention of the man she was committing adultery with, clear inequality. Both parties were guilty but only one was being punished. Jesus set precedent with this act. Not only in terms of gender inequality but with evoking people to consider their sins before they play judge over the sins of others.

Disclaimer: Before we go further, I am not an advocate for adultery by men or women. This is in no way a justification of adultery. We sadly live in a society where you must support the shaming of the acts your fellow women do wrong or you will be perceived as part of the bad crop. I feel women are treated more unfairly when they commit adultery than males are and that is not right. I am against the shaming of women in ways men do not get shamed or looked down on when they cheat. We have come to accept that women must never cheat rather than no one must ever cheat. The reality is men and women will be unfaithful for different reasons because they are different beings. We must NOT accept the viewpoint that the consequences of one sex cheating is lighter than the other. That is inequality. I re-iterate the point that I am not defending or justifying cheating women. I am disagreeing with the inequality that surrounds a woman cheating. Those are 2 different things.

Let us analyse the story from the book of John 8:1-11. The first thing that you notice is that there nowhere in story is the man she committed adultery with mentioned. He was just as guilty of the act as she was. He however did not get stones cast at him, because he was allowed a pass where as the woman was not. A common Zambian saying goes ‘Ubuchende wa umwaume tabu toba n’ganda’ Directly translated means a ‘infidelity committed by a man will not wreck a home. Maybe there is more to this quote than the prima facie meaning. More that my still maturing mind is yet to fully fathom and grasp. However what bothers me is this, if infidelity is such a bad thing, why are men given a pass to do it and not women. Additionally if there are joys in infidelity why are women excluded or not accorded the pleasure of partaking in these joys. What is bad for the man should be bad for the woman because although not created the same we are created equal.

Another angle to view it from is from the verse Luke 10:27
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.(King James Bible)
The man answered, “‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”(New Living Translation)

The bible commands us to love our neighbour as our self. If men do not want to be cheated on, they must not cheat. If women do not want to be cheated on the must not cheat. If one does not frown upon a man cheating, they must not frown upon a woman cheating. Men as much as women are guilty of encouraging this inequality.

Though this portion of scripture has to do with infidelity, the principle set by it is applicable to all areas where there is inequality when it comes to both men and women. Just like Christ stood up for the woman who was being judged by people whose hands were just as dirty as hers the only difference is the type of dirt they had on them. Men in our society, the Christian men from our Christian nation arise and follow the example of Christ in defending women from having stones cast at them. Men need to move away from the crowd and stand in the place where Jesus stood to protect the woman from the harshness of society.

Notice Jesus was not in support of her, neither did he condemn or seek to know the details. His only interest was in her going on to pursue a different path of life that involved her not committing adultery or any other sins. His only interest was for her to ‘Go and sin no more’. I heard a quote from a movie ‘Strong men don’t hurt you, only the weak ones do’ and there is so much truth to it. Only weak men throw stones in the form of insults, mean words or jokes, use women because of the reputation that hangs over them etc.

Men must be the front liners in addressing gender inequality in all its forms, not just to with fidelity or the lack there of. We live in a patriarchal society where most of the power and decision making ability is vested in the men. They should thus be in the forefront ensuring inequalities against women are being addressed. They exist because they are not being addressed by the holders of the power to do something about the oppression.

If girls are taught to remain pure, and boys are encouraged to sexually explore who are they expected to explore with each other. It creates toxicity if you expecting the girls you are encouraging to be pure are shamed once they fall as prey to the boys who you encourage to explore. There must be equality, either both sexes are taught purity or both are allowed to be sexually exploring. It doesn’t even make sense, who are these boys expected to experiment with? Themselves or each other? Kindly give them that memo when passing down these toxic lessons to them.

As a country that has boldly professed itself as a christian nation it is important that we intentionally begin to walk the talk in a manner that goes beyond a ceremonial religious acts like having a day for prayer if on every other day we are not carrying out the liberation Christ came to bring. What do the religious things mean if we as a country are not a shining example to other non christian countries?

Dear male species, our brother,fathers, uncles, cousins etc please be Jesus with skin on to all the women in society. Yours, a concerned female.

Un-necessary multi tasking

In a world where we never seem to have enough time to do everything we want and have to do, the Homo sapiens has evolved to be able to do more than one task at once;multi tasking.Women are said to be the better task at multi tasking(I’m not sure I do it very well.)

There are many things in life that require your full attention because each individual task requires your total devotion.

WORRY is a task that drains your abilities and impedes your faculties from performing more meaningful tasks because it excessively saps you of your vital strength, focus and joy.

Have you ever tried to perform a meaningful task and found yourself distracted by the things you’re worrying about?

Have you ever found yourself with not enough time because you either procrastinated because you had to worry?Or wasted your time doing something that wasn’t necessary like worry?

Worry does that, it keeps you from doing the things you should be doing because your focus is on your worries.

WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING IF THE THINGS YOU ARE WORRYING ABOUT WERE SORTED OUT OR WERE NOT SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT?

Get busy doing that or begin to focus on because that is where your attention should be. time you spending worrying is time not spent on the things you should be focusing on.

I know how much worry can consume you, I am a ‘worrier’ too.I know life can way you down or leave you lost and hopeless. ‘Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?(Matthew 6:27)

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34) verses like this have been vital in my metamorphosis from ‘worrier’ to warrior because of the epiphany that God cares about me and all the things that irk me, he cares about my needs and all that pertains to me. There is someone who is already working on the things I am worried about, so my fears or negative thoughts and feelings are not necessary because ‘ALL things will work together for my good'(my favourite verse right now Romans 8:28) NB: All things not some things.
When you worry you are unnecessarily multi tasking with a task that isn’t even your responsibility.
STOP wasting time worrying! Time you spend worrying is time you don’t spend doing what you ought to be doing, the things that God has called you or asked you to do. God does not want you to worry. Worry is outside the will of God for your life.
There is a time for everything, there is however never a time for worry.

Queen of Katwe

This is the type of movie that deserves a standing ovation. And I am not saying this because Lupita Nyong’o is a woman crush of mine. I was in awe and slightly tearful at the end.

I love how this is the new school Disney classic. This movie boldly took on braving the bull by its horns. It showed African heroes taking on the villain that is keeping African people from emerging victorious at the end of the day; The villain within ourselves!  The one that keeps us from reaching high because we think we are incapable or we are weighed down by the weight of comparison and fleeting short-term fulfilment and/or wants. We see young heroes come to terms with who they really are and the epiphany that who they are is enough. It is not about what you have, where you come from or anything else outside of you.

It stares down the false beliefs of what makes one better than another in Africa ;private schools;being well spoken;connections; lovely clothes and a daily slice of decadence.

This story slaps in the face, the belief that your life is as quality as the education you receive;education is the key to success.(Not that I am saying education is unimportant or belittling its value)Education is valuable but it has been devalued because it is perceived as the ultimate crown or the only gateway. Phiona Mutesi the main character is brilliant at chess because of an innate ability coupled with determination to keep improving herself. What is most amazing about it is how she was not even literate yet. It screamed the importance of focusing on harnessing ones innate abilities and talents no matter what they are. It is also important to note that she almost missed her opportunities because of the mentality deep ingrained in her mother by both ignorance and the hardships of life. Phiona unlocked success by unlocking her mind and unshackling herself from the low estimation she had of herself.

The movie emanated the need to get out of the illusion of chasing the water at the end of the mirage. The illusion that the addition of that carrot at the end of the stick will subtract your problems and sorrow. Happiness does not start the moment you have what you desire. It starts right where you are. You have the ingredients to create what you want exactly where you are, both in terms of happiness and success.

It breaks the deep-rooted notion that you get your deepest desire or provision from a man. A widow lost the comfort provided by a husband but her contentment came through her child. A female child ;and not through the treasures found in between her legs or by being married by a prince. But because she unlocked her mind. Ironically not with the African key to success(educational attainment or a man) but with her talent, Chess.

It also questions the impossible perfectionist standard we place on one another as Africans. I have heard people call out or question a parent particularly a mother’s morality because of the behaviour the child. Night, Phiona’s sister was not made of the same moral fibre her mother was. Who is depicted to have never not once compromised her morals even when she was tempted to. You can see how Night despised the impoverished state they lived in and used her female ability to escape it.She probably despised her mother for subjecting them to poverty when she had that card to play.

The chords that exist in a sense of community are highlighted in this movie. Initially no one knew about the diamond in the rough, Phiona but later on she is the area’s legend and hero. The celebration spilt from her family into the whole of Katwe. Everyone had a slice of the joy and the hope that they too may just escape poverty. One of the things I loved most is how this re-iterated my thoughts on how our way out of poverty in Africa is by helping each other. Read my blog post  AFRICA AND OUR SHARING VALUES:Balancing The Scales Through Sharing

Phiona and the other pioneers were given hope and a chance to more than poverty had to offer by a man who chose to sacrifice getting ahead and personal comforts for the benefit of others in our community. The root of our poverty among other things is our lack of sacrifice and our selfishness. It’s not just in our leaders it is in our communities, that’s why when we choose people from among us to lead they make the decisions they do. The sacrifice exhibited by Mr and Mrs Katende is nothing short of divine. They indeed were a challenge to me. How much am I sacrificing and denying myself to see the Zambia and the Africa I want to see. Even if it is only in a small way?

The strength of Phiona’s mother Nakku Harriet is remarkable. The strength and dignity she is clothed in leaves me in awe. She lost a husband and a child, she has lost hope of better days but she still did not lose her will to survive. She would not let her dignity be stripped off even when poverty stripped off any reason to hold her head high. Her deep love for her children reflected in how she meted out discipline, protection and her provision. The life of a woman is hard anywhere. The life of an African woman on the African terrain in a slum is a whole different level. The resilience of African women is praiseworthy. Sadly the do not get enough praise or recognition for it. I’m glad this movie did that.

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All in all, what gripped me the most is this is not a story that had a writer that cleverly put together these elements to highlight these lessons. It is based on real life and not real life in the reality show kind of way. They lived their lives not expecting their story to one day be told. All this happened very recently. Queen of Katwe gave me hope and appreciation for life and talent. Most of all it challenged me. I have been left with the question what are you doing to change the lives of the poorest people in your society?

The curtain call…

Ones home is never incomplete without curtains to cover the windows. It’s amazing the difference curtains make to a house they say.

As a young girl you hear this in hushed tones which increase in their pitch as you grow older. Constant reminders to ensure you have curtains to complete your home.  Constant caution if you don’t.

Woe to she that does not shield her home with them for it will fall into the enemies hands and she will be without a fortress.

The question is are these alterations really as vital as curtains? What purpose do curtains serve but for the decorators value when you have blinds and tinted windows? What purpose do curtains serve in a room with no windows why cover up the walls?

Is the modification really as vital as curtains or are they unnecessary accessories like the doilies that once upon a time littered the furniture in the majority of households. Have they been around so long their existence has been instutionalised? The wet monkey theory perhaps?Wet Monkey Theory

Many among us have found ourselves with accessories that have ruined the aesthetics of the home because we were instructed early on in life to ensure our home was adequately prepared for, long before we were old enough to understand what we were being asked to do. And those who don’t have curtains their home shamefully suffer naked disgrace in the presence of those that do. The absence is some sort of handicap.

If the curtains are a vital part of anatomy why don’t they come along with the house or grow as one ‘comes of age’ along with other areas like the bosom that one day serves as the offspring’s feeding source? One woman dutifully gave me the answer as we Zambians are known to do by answering questions with questions ‘Why then do they grow and stretch as you continue to tug at them? No matter how long you do that to your ears or nose will they stretch?

If they are as essential to holding a home and a marriage together why do we have so many married men stepping into homes and dwellings that do not contain these vital curtains?

Why are they medically discouraged and said to cause a  reduction in the enjoyment of the female housemate?

The curtains are such a sacred public secret that I must speak about them from behind a veil.

Men and women across the continent from as far wide as Kenya to Uganda and Zimbabwe swear by the necessity of these curtains.

They are said to be the shield and strength of the African home.How strong is our society when it’s women are oppressed?

The following article may interest you too – Why we should be talking about labia elongation

Did you really just cast the first stone?

I came across a Zambian social media sensation this past week of some guy called Nyuma. People really #roasted him. Funny how people unite to gang up on others and bring them down.

This Nyuma guy whoever he is, is quite a character. A thief, a liar and good at fiction. Well thats what I was able to infer from all the posts, comments and memes.Sadly what bothers me more than the things I have heard about this Nyuma guy is people’s reactions and responses to him. We are such a judgemental society. We look down on people who sin just like us but because the sin differently or their sin is publically displayed . We shame, we criticise and pass judgement on them. 

Among the people that posted and created memes were fornicaters. Cadres who shared the spoils of government looting isn’t that theft. Guys who lie to girls to get with them, cheaters, people who abort, people who disobey their parents. The list is endless.  All sins none of them better or carrying less weight than Nyuma’s.

When Jesus stood before the crowd that wanted to stone the adulterous woman according to the law of the day. He asked ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ No one was able to. He drew their attention away from her sin and towards their own sin. He the only person present without sin did not cast a stone but instead extended love and direction towards a better life. Which is what we as followers of Christ should be. How many of us said a prayer for Nyuma or reached out to encourage him or lead him to Christ. The truth is Nyuma needs to change from what I inferred he is problem but true change comes from knowing the truth, it comes from the fear of the Lord. How do we treat the Nyuma’s in our lives? Do we cast stones at them or do we extend the love of Christ?

The Complexity of Complexes and Complexion. 

A few weeks ago while lurking on a Zambian Facebook commerce platforms I came across a post where a young lady was asking where she could get skin lightening pills. The post attracted a lot of attention with an array of comments ranging from encouragement paired with support to condemnation intertwined with ridicule, to myths and facts about skin bleaching. Seeing this bothered me A LOT. I did something I’d never done before, I commented. It was somewhat of an outlet for the emotion (im not even sure which one/s in particular) and compassion I was feeling because it turned into quite a paragraph.  More importantly it was a last ditch effort to reach out to anyone on the fence about bleaching their skin.

I’m dark skinned and fortunately for me my mother embedded deep self love and an appreciation for my skin tone very early on in life. Prior to this, it had started to bug me for a few months till the day I had a talk with my mother that probably saved me from one day growing up to be the girl looking to become light skinned. Many young ladies out there were not fortunate enough to have a talk like the one I had. And let’s be honest we do live in a society that has fed/feeds into us that the lighter the skin the more attractive or superior in some way.

A few months before that, a young man on twitter passed a very unpleasant comment about how undesirable a certain woman is because she is dark. Two sisters Katongo and Kanta Temba stood up for her and many others as they retaliated and backed him into a silent corner which he retreated into hurling insults. It was refreshing to see girls stand up and speak out against the issue. Many girls especially the lighter and fairer ones don’t have to deal with this issue so they don’t deal with or speak out against the issue.

A few months before that, I was with uni friends in their boarding house and they started to discuss a school mate who had bleached her skin. We all teased and taunted and spoke of her in a demeaning manner . Something planted the question ‘But why?’. And it hit me, the root lies in self esteem or some complex.A seed of self hatred must have been planted early on and it has grown and been nourished with the reality that society prefers lighter skin.

Many of us have wrongly placed our value in the number of people or the caliber of the people that have found us desirable. The hot guy or the rich guy found me attractive therefore I’m better than you. Or 5 guys in comparison to your one are after me so I’m of higher value. Those things may have their truths to them but they are not entirely true. Sometimes women may be undesirable because of the rotten attitudes they carry or the lack content in their minds etc but before they can wash and whiten their insides or add colour to their minds they bleach their skin and hope that will be magnet to draw more men or even a higher caliber of men(whatever their definition). I read a book this year that I believe is a must read. ‘The bluest eye’ by Toni Morrison is a such a potent book that will give you a deep understanding of yourself and of others.

Then there is our cultural aspect. Where you haven’t really attained anything till you attain the Mrs Title. Your life does not begin till you’re a wife. Women are judged by their ability to bag a man. Many place their personal value in how great or how rich her husband is. Women for the most part do not traditionally didn’t own much of their own property. Except their husbands and children. In addition to how well she made the house a home.

Then there are the things you are born with that none of us have control over.Outward beauty is another yardstick women use to ascertain their value or worth. One feels superior because she is more aesthetically pleasing. Some feel inferior because their body isn’t as endowed as someone else’s.

As a society we have been taught and are inclined to place our value in things that are really not worth much more than fir the benefit of making an impression on others.

Issues to do with complexes are highly complex. A complex is a horrible void that constantly seeks to be filled, sadly most of us attempt to fill the void with things that do not heal the underlying disease.

A girl that does not truly have self worth and value who decides to start working on her outward appearance to gain value will constantly be working on her appearance to no satisfaction.  It starts with skin bleaching . Then it’s the body.’mankwala yama hip’ and the like  (or plastic surgery for those with access to it)then its a bigger bum. Bigger or firmer breasts. Flatter stomach etc. Then the face.etc then issues like body warmth and acquiring all sorts of skill to ensure male pleasure from the waist down. All to what ends?

I deviated a little there. Sadly we shame those that want to bleach their skin, view them as deviants. We look at the symptoms and not the actual disease. It really is more complex than someone just wanting to become lighter.I know a few people who have become lighter during the course of time I’ve known them. You can see the change, the lucid texture their skin gets. I asked this one girl once if she has coloured blood( or is mixed race) and she was audacious enough to say yes.  She really did not think it was that evident.  Even the most ‘well bleached’ celebrities like Beyonce have skin that looks like it is bleached. Her skin isn’t what it was. The truth is you were born  a certain way going against the order of nature never yields flawless results. You created flaws out of something perfect. You are complex well crafted being and if you start to feel uncomfortable in your skin, watch what you’re letting into. What you watch or listen to. Or the comments people make that you choose to believe.

When people teased me or tried to get me down and used my complexion as anchor. It never did work, it was because of the esteem my mother gave me. It simply gave me value and avoided the seed growing into layers till a complex developed. I’m grateful for my mother, however I am wary of the fact that many people don’t get the same privilege.  So let’s be kind to them. Dark skin and bleached girls alike, you don’t know jato complexes are growing underneath their skin.

We must always remember we were created the way we were for a purpose. Dark skin beauties like Lupita Nyongo would never be known if she decided to bleach her skin. We love her just the way she is and to those out there with complexes you are lovable just the way you are. You were created for something specific so don’t get envious of what someone else gets because of what they were created for. When you begin to appreciate all of you then you get what’s meant for you.